All I Know . . .

It has been a full month. My plan was to take November off and have a break from doctor’s appointments.

September started out focused on good treatments, seeking pain relief and solutions to some of the other problems that my body presented. However, I was averaging two appointments per week and it was exhausting.

So, I cancelled appointments for November and decided to rest from labs, waiting rooms and xrays.

But, kidney stones showed up. They’ve been appearing for awhile but they got into the habit and became more and more common. Not cool.

It’s a really strange thought to think that as a follower of God, the One whom I pray to, receive comfort from, wisdom and guidance . . . that He allows/chooses/permits or designs me to live with pain. He’s in charge, He’s got all the power to do anything, and here I am 29 years later still with chronic pain. I have prayed to be healed, I have sought all the treatments I possibly can, I’m engaged with regular counselling to keep my mind healthy, and experts in the field say that for some of the pain, it may never go away.

So here’s the question that comes into my mind, and maybe yours as you read . . . WHY would I encourage someone to follow God? What difference has He made in my life?

Growing up in the church, I believed that God made things better! He was the King Midas, turning ordinary things into gold. He was the kind grandfather in the sky who gave out treats. That’s who I thought God was. And maybe, that was an version in my own mind rather than what was taught . . . but regardless, it was wrong.

So this week, I read the story in John 9 about the man who was healed from his blindness and this time I paid attention to what the guy said when people asked him about his experience. He simply said “All I know….” and then explained that he was blind and now he can see! They didn’t like his explanation so they asked his parents. They didn’t stand up for him, they were afraid of getting in trouble, and redirected the questioners back to the man. He simply repeated the same story and challenged them why they were so interested.

You see when God heals us, when His power connects with our lives, with our struggles, it is miraculous, it is astonishing, it is beyond what our minds can comprehend! And we don’t have to have all the answers, we can simply say, “All I know . . . “ and tell the story.

So here’s mine:

All I know . . . is that my identity used to be built on what I could do. I thought it was my responsibility to help everyone and solve as many needs as I could because this world is so broken. What I didn’t realize is that God wanted to heal me of this and give me freedom to follow Him. Chronic pain has been part of my healing process. God has used this to show me my worth and I am worth alot to Him!!! So much so, that He cares about ME too!!! Self-care, self-compassion used to seem like bad words – selfish in fact. But as God surrounds me with His love, I am forced to crumble in on myself under his embrace and I’m left with this shell of a person who can’t do as much anymore. But God has gently shown me how much HE can do if I let him lead me and work through me in a way that is compassionate for my own needs as well. This is a big deal! This is a miracle. All I know . . . is that once I was enslaved to pleasing people, and now I’m free. And God continues to show me that I have nothing to fear about a broken body that has pain. He is enough for me!

🎵And here’s a favourite song I’ve been repeating over and over these days. Enjoy. 💕