Why rejoice?
I said the word “rejoice” the other day.
It’s not something I usually say, but at the time, it was just right.
My husband asked me how I was feeling, and I as I had been writing many pages in my journal that morning, I was acutely aware of my newfound joy.
This past week, I had a CT scan to search for why my remaining small intestine is refusing to process anything more than blended foods. The results came back that there is a small narrowing of the intestine right near the opening to the stoma (where my ostomy bag attaches). It is as if the intestine is twist-tied off right before the exit. This would explain why I feel nauseated when I eat and why anything more than soup or pudding is too thick to get through the system without pain and medication. Two months ago, I could eat almost anything, crunchy apples, salad, steak, potatoes…as long as I chewed it well, no problem. Now, I’m eating baby food. Something changed.
When I read the results online, I took a deep breath, anticipating either good or bad news. On one hand, I wanted something to name and blame these symptoms on and on the other hand, “normal” is also nice to read.
This news is both.
It’s about this happening right before the first anniversary since my last surgery (I was hoping to make a full loop around the calendar year). It’s about the unknown, waiting, enduring space where chronic illness lives. It’s about patience, more appointments, more doctors…but also it’s about gratefulness, creativity and wanting to make sure this gets ordered into the rightful spot in my heart and mind.
Over the past 30 + years of chronic illness, I’ve learned that these moments cannot shape my whole existence. Checking test results needs to be only one of the many things that I focus on. That’s where the word ‘rejoice’ came from the other day.
I had been thinking about my hopes to continue feeling good and to start my counselling practicum a few months ago, but then that fell through. Then this month, I was hoping to take my final course on neurobiology, but it just got postponed by six months. My calendar has emptied, providing all the time I need to care for my body’s pain and nausea and specific food requirements.
As I wrote pages and pages in my journal that day, I felt both these good and hard realities.
Then, I was reminded of Jesus’ words:
“You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you, there is more of God and his rule.
You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.
You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.
You’re blessed when you’ve worked up a good appetite for God. He’s food and drink in the best meal you’ll ever eat.
You’re blessed when you care. At the moment of being ‘care-full,’ you find yourselves cared for.
You’re blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.” (Matthew 5:1-8)
And I began to feel joy. Real joy.
Experiencing loss and pain opens up this strange and beautiful opportunity to trust God in these places of the unknown. Of course, I wish that my body would finally close the chapter on pain and illness, but it just doesn’t seem to be done with it yet. I can kick and scream and complain, but Jesus reminds me that there is another way, and in trusting Him and looking to him for the meaning of life, joy, love, peace and purpose, He makes good on His promises! He can be trusted!
It makes me wonder where I (and the loved ones around me) may be missing out on all that God has for us because we refuse to let go of that one thing that we value more, that one thing we are afraid to lose. Let’s open our hands and see what we are holding.
I have been enjoying this book by Kimberly Phinney, who understands chronic pain and illness, loss and grief, but lives with hope and a refreshing honesty. I’d highly recommend it and all her other books as well.
Click here to purchase on Amazon (no financial connection to this blog - just highly recommending).