Curtains and Bandanas
I think these hotel curtains are 1980 originals.
Light brown colour with a paisley print, and above, a stiff, ruffled header. The lamps are brown with a golden marbled shade, and the wallpaper, although clean, has absorbed the laughter, fights, the aroma of pizza and coffee, sweaty hockey socks, the cries of tired children, and the weary snores of travellers.
We’ve stayed here before, but a looooong time ago, as teenagers on a church youth ski trip. It’s one of those classic mountain hotels, clean, comfortable, but designed to withstand the hearty traffic of tourists.
On our second day here, we decided to spend the afternoon doing separate things. I was feeling tired with some increasing pain, and Randy had more energy, so he went for a hike, and I stayed back at the hotel, content to swim (try out my new specialty ostomy-designed swimsuit!) and read a book outside on the deck. The sun was out, and it was beautiful.
The pool was exactly the same as I remembered it; the deck and the change rooms were also the same. And as I walked back to our room down the same hallway, past the same ice machine, I had a flashback of what it felt like to walk this hallway 40 years ago…
As a teenager, the most important thing to me on these ski trips was how I looked. I’d get up early, shower and blow-dry my 80’s blond hair so that it looked pretty, yet understated, to give the illusion that I woke up that way. I’d apply a little makeup, some light blue eyeshadow and blush on my cheeks. Then I’d pull on my black, stretchy ski pants, a crisp white turtleneck, a white bandana with fluorescent colours (for no practical reason at all), my sunglasses hanging from a hot pink cord around my neck and my red ski jacket. I had some athletic ability, so I’d take great pride in heading up to the highest runs and carving my way down with speed and aggression. I didn’t brag out loud, but I’d make sure to leave all the ski tags on my jacket so people could see how many times I had gone. I wanted to be noticed; that was clear, but I pretended not to care.
The truth is, I REALLY cared. I cared about myself, about being liked, included, belonging to people who thought I was cool, yet distant enough that I didn’t have to be vulnerable.
Come on, Heather, you might think, all teenagers are like that; don’t make this a big deal and be so hard on yourself. Yes, I agree. Teenagers are typically selfish, self-focused and insecure at that age. But it is also possible that we don’t grow out of it, we take those same self-serving, fearful attitudes into our adulthood but just call it something else.
I was reminded of verse 9 in Matthew 5, but I’ll let the passage start from the beginning because it’s so good:
Matthew 5:1-9
When Jesus saw his ministry drawing huge crowds, he climbed a hillside. Those who were apprenticed to him, the committed, climbed with him. Arriving at a quiet place, he sat down and taught his climbing companions. This is what he said: “You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule. You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.
You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought. You’re blessed when you’ve worked up a good appetite for God. He’s food and drink in the best meal you’ll ever eat. You’re blessed when you care. At the moment of being ‘care-full,’ you find yourselves cared for. You’re blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.
You’re blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That’s when you discover who you really are, and your place in God’s family.”
Being the best skier, having better hair and being cooler than the other girls was important to me. I thought that somehow it would earn me recognition, status, safety, belonging (not in a warm relational way but in an effort to avoid being rejected). It was about competing, not cooperating. It was about winning, proving, excelling, surpassing. Being “better” felt safe to me, it was a way that I could secure my place in a group, hopefully gain the attention of the guys and put myself above other girls. When I think about it now, it makes me feel so sad. How deeply lonely I must’ve been.
This upside down way of life that Jesus calls us to live is about us growing up, putting aside our childish ways to become mature, holy and whole. It’s about finding our safety and security in the love of God, not the attention of others, not in being better, smarter, more fit, wealthier, having more stuff, nicer house, education, less grey hair, cooler job or opportunites. None of that really matters. God wants us to grow up and He wants to create that kind of growth and maturity in us. On our own, we just end up stockpiling our own accomplishments or wins that put us right back into our old teenage ways again.
We’re reminded in Ephesians 4 that all that is “connected with that old way of life has to go. It’s rotten through and through. Get rid of it! And then take on an entirely new way of life—a God-fashioned life, a life renewed from the inside and working itself into your conduct as God accurately reproduces his character in you!”
It may be fun to stay in a hotel that hasn’t changed in 40 years but it’s not so fun to hang out with people who haven’t changed in 40 years. So… let’s change. Let’s let God renovate and update our hearts and minds so that we can experience his healing love in our lives and let it overflow to our broken world.