To be known
When I started my counselling degree a few years ago, I wrote on a yellow sticky note: “What is God calling me to be…in the next step?” We had been challenged by a professor to keep imagining what God was up to in each course, each new textbook, each experience, never to lose the curiosity or wonder about God’s purposes for our lives. Kairos University has a beautiful, holistic approach, training students academically, clinically, and formationally. It all matters.
So this past week, as I’ve been waiting to hear back from a few places I’ve applied for a practicum, I took the morning to spend quietly with God. The house was empty, so I felt extra free to pray out loud, talk, ask God questions, shed tears of both joy and fear as I wrote out scripture, doodled, listened to audio devotionals, and sat quietly in the presence of God.
I felt His presence: a warmth, a sense of being seen and known. Tears came, my heart-walls melted, self-protective measures came crashing down. All my excuses and opinions seemed shallow, and I felt seen, heard, and loved. Have you experienced this? It’s both comforting and terrifying to be known. God sees past my walls, my defenses, my excuses. He knows my thoughts before I even do.
“I’m an open book to you; even from a distance, you know what I’m thinking.
You know when I leave and when I get back. I’m never out of your sight.
You know everything I’m going to say before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you’re there, then up ahead and you’re there, too—
Your reassuring presence, coming and going.” Psalm 139:1-6
It was a good morning of soaking in God’s presence, not analyzing, not figuring things out, just being still, doodling in the presence of the Almighty God. :) Then my phone buzzed. Two emails came in back-to-back, both rejections from the places I had applied. I smiled. Had God prepared me for this? He knew that this was coming, and He knew what I needed first. Thank you, God!
God has been transforming me these past few years. That yellow sticky note still hovers over my desk, challenging me to remember that God is always at work, always calling me forward to trust Him, to let him redeem my desires, to love Him, to give Him glory in my life, no matter what.
““Desire is the very substance of our created being to which God is calling. He is calling out our desire in order to redeem it and to make it the leading edge of the renewal of all things.””
So, as I set those rejection emails aside and begin the search again for a practicum, I pause, remembering the goodness and kindness of God, who stooped down to my lowly kitchen table to comfort me and give me peace, and I ask the question, “What is God calling me to be…in the next step?” Where will I apply? Do I frantically apply to anything that is open, do I rush to meet application deadlines, agree to a workload that is beyond my current abilities and strength just to get to the next step? Do I take full responsibility for finding the perfect place?
Or will I, keeping in mind who God is, His love for me (and you!), choose to leave some space for God to surprise me? Will I risk imagining, wondering, and being curious about what God is up to?