So, What Now?

Tomorrow, it will be four months since my surgery, and I’m still pain-free!

The results from my previous surgery only lasted 3 months before complications set in, so as I reach the 4-month mark, I’m feeling more and more excited that this could be a permanent fix.

Energy is starting to increase, and I can do more activities during the day, which is amazing, but it also creates a new question … what now? The options for how I spend my time and energy are increasing; I’m no longer in survival mode. Taking a leave of absence from school has given me a flexible schedule. I have applied for a practicum with a counseling organization, but the interviews are not scheduled until September. If I am accepted, I won’t start until January 2026. That gives me six months of unscheduled time!

However, it hasn’t taken long for me to feel a familiar pull on my ego… “I can do more! MORE! … and doing more means feeling productive, and that feels GOOD! It means feeling successful, significant, and useful, and that means I am a valuable human, and that means I won’t need to fear abandonment or rejection …” Whoa, that escalated quickly.

When chronic pain entered my life 31 years ago, that’s where it hurt the most. Not the physical pain (although Endometriosis is excruciatingly painful!) but the emotional pain of needing to let go of so much that my identity was wrapped up in (strength, ability, productivity, usefulness, independence) and instead accept weakness and limitations. But God was so gracious and gently reminded me that if I surrendered my will and plans, He would open my life up to His love, goodness, and purpose, and that all that I longed for would be accomplished in a better way that not only gives God glory but rest and peace to my weary soul as well.

“But blessed is the man who trusts God, the woman who sticks with God. They’re like trees replanted in Eden, putting down roots near the rivers — Never a worry through the hottest of summers, never dropping a leaf, serene and calm through droughts, bearing fresh fruit every season.” (Jeremiah 17)

I have sensed God’s love holding me, grounding me, and reminding me of his strength. A holy restraint, a loving hand on my shoulder, and a whisper calling me back from chasing ego-serving pursuits. So, I’ve taken time to listen for His voice amidst my busy mind and increasing energy, asking God what it would look like to surrender this new pain-free existence to Him.

I think it means the same as it always has. I need to spend time with God, intentionally reading (or listening to) the Bible, journaling, being quiet, reading books that guide me in wisdom, spending time in nature, deep conversations with good friends, worshipping God with others in our church, and using the gifts and talents God has given me. I need to reign in my eagerness to use my new pain-free energy and instead thoughtfully set priorities so I don’t exhaust myself on random tasks.

It’s the simple moments where I’m most tempted to let my heart wander into chasing other pursuits:

Do housework or… wander through a thrift store!

Do physio exercises or… eat another cookie!

Read the Bible or… one more episode of my favorite show!

None of those things are bad, and yet left to my emotional whims, I’m prone to choose what is easiest. And yet, as I set priorities, focus my energy, and be patient with my to-do list, God gives me peace. It all gets done eventually, and I allow God’s Word to soak into my day as I stop now and then to reflect, rest, read, or write. God is nourishing my soul and steadying the ground beneath my feet.

It doesn’t mean I sit still all day. I listen to a Bible app on my phone while I stretch. I write in my journal in the backyard, taking breaks from yard work, and I walk with friends, talking about what God is up to in our lives. I also listen to worship music while cooking dinner. This allows my often-fickle heart to refocus on God throughout the day, not just in the morning. And of course, it still leaves room for creativity, fun, and play.

A question I often ask myself: If the pain returned tomorrow, what will I be glad that I spent my pain-free time doing?

God has helped me understand that the best way to celebrate my newfound pain-free life is by honoring Him, allowing Him to direct my energy and bless me with His love, presence, and peace.

So, now, I pray for you, echoing the words in Ephesians 1:16-19, “I ask the God of our Master, Jesus Christ, the God of glory—to make you intelligent and discerning in knowing him personally, your eyes focused and clear, so that you can see exactly what it is he is calling you to do, grasp the immensity of this glorious way of life he has for his followers, oh, the utter extravagance of his work in us who trust him—endless energy, boundless strength!”

Psalm 23

“God, my shepherd! I don’t need a thing. You have bedded me down in lush meadows, you find me quiet pools to drink from. True to your word, you let me catch my breath and send me in the right direction.

Even when the way goes through Death Valley, I’m not afraid when you walk at my side. Your trusty shepherd’s crook makes me feel secure.

You serve me a six-course dinner right in front of my enemies. You revive my drooping head; my cup brims with blessing.

Your beauty and love chase after me every day of my life. I’m back home in the house of God for the rest of my life.”