56 DAYs

It has been 56 days since my surgery, the wounds have healed, and my small intestine is doing both jobs now and handling the new requirements well! The stoma that deals with waste disposal is also functioning, and I’m grateful for my surgeon and the technology that makes this possible.

My pain is gone. 100% gone!

Today, Randy and I went to two thrift stores, with a coffee break in between! It has been forever since I’ve been able to do that! Then I came home and was still able to do laundry and some dishes, and then Randy and I made pizza and watched a movie. Still no abdominal/back pain. Nothing. And here I am now, late at night, writing. Crazy!!

One of my friends asked, “Is it scary to allow yourself joy?" And another friend, “How long until you know for sure that the surgery worked?”

It IS scary to hope, to wonder, to dare to plan. I mean, I could make plans and follow through now. Pain doesn’t stand in the way anymore.

A few weeks ago, I felt myself tighten my grip. I want this to stay, I want more health, more time, more opportunities. More! And I felt anxious and distracted by all the possibilities.

Then, thankfully, I read this prayer by Thomas Merton, and it settled me right down:

“Take my life into Your hands, at last, and do whatever You want with it. I give myself to Your love and mean to keep on giving myself to Your love – rejecting neither the hard things nor the pleasant things You have arranged for me. It is enough for me that You have glory. Everything You have planned is good. It is all love. If You allow people to praise me, I shall not worry. If You let them blame me, I shall worry even less but be glad. If You send me to work, I shall embrace it with joy, and it will be rest to me because it is Your will. And if You send me rest, I will rest in You. Only save me from myself. Save me from my own private poisonous urge to change everything, to act without reason, to move for movement’s sake, to unsettle everything that You have ordained. Let me rest in Your will and be silent. Then the light of Your joy will warm my life. Its fire will burn in my heart and shine for Your glory. That is what I live for. Amen.”

My fears were unearthed and then calmed. I remembered that God had never abandoned me in my painful years. He has been present, has loved me, has given me peace and contentment and even joy. He does give rest and more than pain-free living, my heart desires that kind of rest.

I have been granted 56 days of pain-free living. It is a great gift. So today, I write this post as a stake in the ground to say, I accept this good gift, for as long as it is mine. I will not fear losing it because I know God will be there, just as He is with me now, and I can trust Him to give me a greater purpose and hope in Him that lasts and is for His glory, not mine. And nothing, not even pain can take that away. I don’t need to be afraid.

“Blessed are the single-hearted, for they shall enjoy much peace. If you refuse to be hurried and pressed, if you stay your soul on God, nothing can keep you from that clearness of spirit which is life and peace. In that stillness, you will know what His will is.” (Amy Carmichael)