Mine?

One thing I love about journaling is that it often reveals deeper motives than I’m aware of. As the words scratch out onto the page, I see what I value, what matters, what I believe.

A few days ago I wrote this… “God, give me patience to wait for my practicum.”

Then, I saw it: “My practicum”.

Somewhere between the day I started this degree and now, I’ve come to believe that I am owed a practicum. I mean, to finish my degree and training, I need the hours and experience, so it is the next logical step… but is it mine? Claiming something is mine assumes ownership, control. So I wondered, what else do I think is mine…health, finances, my loved ones? I don’t own or control them; all of what and whom I love could disappear in a moment.

But wait, you say, I mean, come on, Heather, of course you can claim that things belong to you, that’s what being responsible is about! I agree. I do. But there is something deeper about this word mine that troubles me.

In Galatians, Paul is writing a letter to the churches in Galatia, and this is what he says about the idea of mine.

“Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ.

My ego is no longer central…Christ lives in me.

The life you see me living is not “mine,” but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”

Galatians 2 (The Message)

If Christ lives in me, then His values, His priorities, His purposes must be what I’m about. Have I stopped to ask Him, “Lord, what do YOU see as the next step?” What do YOU want me to focus on?” Or do I just ask Him to provide what I think I need?

I can pray about timing and ask God to prepare and provide, saying that I trust Him to know what’s right, but then I check my calendar and clock and question why it’s taking so long. Why isn’t God answering my prayer?

There’s a beautiful prayer by Thomas Merton that nudges at this very thing:

“Take my life into Your hands, at last, and do whatever You want with it. I give myself to Your love and mean to keep on giving myself to Your love – rejecting neither the hard things nor the pleasant things You have arranged for me. It is enough for me that You have glory.

Everything You have planned is good. It is all love. If You allow people to praise me, I shall not worry. If You let them blame me, I shall worry even less but be glad. If You send me to work, I shall embrace it with joy, and it will be rest to me because it is Your will. And if You send me rest, I will rest in You. Only save me from myself.

Save me from my own private poisonous urge to change everything, to act without reason, to move for movement’s sake, to unsettle everything that You have ordained. Let me rest in Your will and be silent. Then the light of Your joy will warm my life. Its fire will burn in my heart and shine for Your glory. That is what I live for. Amen” - - - -

So maybe my next journal entry will be something like this…

Lord, I have sensed your leading in my life to be a counsellor. I’ve loved the learning, the books, the classes, and the people I’ve met! I’m almost done with the training. Logically, there are next steps to pursue, but I know that your purposes go way beyond what is logical. Give me humility to surrender my calendar, my agenda, my goals to you…patience to wait, to rest, to be still, and to seek your heart as I wait. Transform me; give me a playful curiosity, change me to reflect more of Your heart for this world, so that wherever and whenever it is my turn to take the role of counsellor, I will be ready because I have been with You, abiding in Your loving and perfect presence. Until then, may I enter each day with open hands to do Your will, in Your way, with a cheerful heart for Your glory, not mine. Heather :)