When My Needs Require Something of you

I was born with three thumbs. (Look closely at my left hand on the rock.)

Apparently, 1 in 3000 children are born with radial polydactyly. One of my friend’s dads had this too, but his were functional and, as a mechanic, he could use both thumbs to grip another tool!

My thumb was removed at age two. They waited to see how the thumbs would grow, and one stayed small while the other one grew normally, so they removed the little, outer one. I ended up with a pretty normal-looking hand, a cool scar for Kindergarten’s show-and-tell, and a low grade on an art assignment in high school when I sketched my left hand and the teacher said, “Your thumb doesn’t look right”.

This was the first of 11 surgeries. The rest came later due to endometriosis.

From the very beginning, my body has had significant physical needs that required something from others. I have needed to be dependent on others’ care. This is a vulnerable place, and I know I’m not alone in saying that this is difficult. It’s not easy to ask for and receive care.

From an early age, I learned that it was easier to help people than to ask for what I needed. If I helped people, I would receive praise and a sense of security and belonging. So I became very good at attending to others’ emotional and physical needs and would scurry to assist. Part of it was a God-given gift of empathy, but it became more about a fear-driven desire to belong. Many times, I remember thinking, “I don’t want to do this, go there, participate in…” but I would because I allowed others’ needs to overpower mine. It felt safer than to hope my needs would be met.

This weekend, after a few good weeks of being able to eat a little more, exercise, and be active, pain hit hard again. I’m still waiting on the camera-pill-swallow-procedure to assess for Crohn's, so it’s hard to know if this is just a flare and/or if the small intestine is malfunctioning again. But it’s back to a liquid diet, rest, Gravol, and strong pain meds.

I got out of bed today at 3 pm, again, made a cup of coffee, crawled back in bed, and listened to my regular morning audio meditation about God’s love. I felt some heavy, haunting thoughts begin to form, and since they felt like shame and were familiar, I decided to write them down to see them more clearly. I wrote in terms of what is a lie and what is true. Maybe you can relate…

LIE: Chronic illness is an excuse I use to get out of things; maybe I’m just lazy.

TRUTH: It takes a great deal of strength, faith, and courage to live with illness. Not lazy.

LIE: I should pull myself together, not look so sick; I don’t want my illness to affect anyone.

TRUTH: What I need right now matters. Other people’s emotional response to my illness is not my responsibility to manage.

LIE: I need to be more/different/stronger/easier to be lovable. If I’m not those things, people will grow tired of me, and I’ll eventually be abandoned.

TRUTH: I am lovable because I have been created, formed, and loved by God. He says that I am worth loving; real love sticks around; fickle love will disappear - and that’s ok.

I smiled after writing this, remembering all the times from my Endometriosis diagnosis to today, 33 years of unlearning and relearning truths about who I am, who God is, and what my responsibilities in life really are. Illness itself is not easy, but manageable. It’s the emotional baggage that can go along with it that makes the burden so much heavier.

Do you also find it hard to care for your needs? To admit that you have them? When my needs require something of other people, it is an opportunity for both them and myself to learn more about love.

No matter what our stories are, we can tend to our needs now and become rested, calm, loved, and grounded adults who are able to care for ourselves but also have enough left over to care for others too. Love, in the right order.

When Jesus was asked what the most important thing was, the bottom line of all the commandments...he answered, “Love the Lord God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence and energy.’ And here is the second: ‘Love others as well as you love yourself.’ There is no other commandment that ranks with these.” Mark 12:30

Jesus includes us wee little humans in his top two instructions for life…that we need to love ourselves well so that we know how to love others. That means that our needs matter. YOU matter. 💕